♥Friday, May 28, 2010

You came, as though there was nothing wrong between us. You talked and moved as though you didn’t hurt me. You could happily say that you went to Zirca and had 15 coupons. Where is your conscience? Where is your heart? Where is your humanity? Where have your feelings gone to? The tears are still flowing and the heart still hurts. My wounds are still raw and you disrespected me by doing this. If your intention is to leave, leave and disappear. don’t think that you could just show up and take me away by merely saying sorry. If you wanted to reconcile, then show me. Show me that you are not the cruel heartless person that im seeing you as now. Not to go to some club and dance the night away. If you wanted to do that, then give me my stuff and go. You don’t have to linger. All your doing now is lingering amongst the ashes of what was once a solid and beautiful relationship. You will never ever understand me. You can never be my strong rock to support me. What we had is just games and fun, a stepping stone for you before you get to someone else. I have accepted this fact. And I will push myself to move on, to be stronger than before. To be stronger than YOU.

Now, I can never erase all the times that you had hurt me and put tears on my face. I admit, I do love you so deeply. But I pray to God, I don’t wanna love you in any kind of way anymore. I used to be weak and succumb to your wants, cuz ive always been afraid of you walking away. But no, im not afraid anymore cuz my broken heart is free. I will never forgive you, and I just wanna forget you. I will never regret having done your name above my heart. I said that being with you has changed me. And its true. Being with you has taught me plenty of things. If I was never with you, I will never know how its like living with a cruel and heartless person. Not to mention your family. I would never have known that pure evil could exist in the hearts of people. But now I know. My eyes, my ears, my mouth, body and soul have all bear witness to what you and your family could do. So now, I learn. I learn to steer clear of people like you. I learn, that trust and love shouldn’t come so easily. Words will always be words, and they will only be words. Action speaks louder than words. And your actions show how insincere you are. So in the future, I will seek for honesty, sincerity. Kindness and hope. Once bitten, twice shy. I will never fall into your web of deceit anymore.

Let the grieving begin, because healing comes after. Every dark skies has that ray of light, and though I do not know whats in store for me i will carry on.



27 May, 2010, 5:26 AM
This is gonna be a very long one, I hope that you guys would bear with me and have the patience to read .

In the two years of our relationship, many things have happened between us. But never in my whole life have I ever imagined that your mouth, your thoughts and your words could be so…cruel? To my frens that have been there throughout my relationship with you, they know whats happening from the start to the end. How your mum and dad abused me emotionally. My vaio laptop, my Samsung mp3, my nokia phone. Stolen and sold, just like that. Hurled abuse at me everyday when I was there. My waking hours were full of tears as they humiliated me non stop. I was treated like a maid, and yet they still could say that being an orphan was no big deal. I still remember all that your mum have ever said to me. “anak aku (fairul) sendiri taknak balek, anak org (me) nak tinggal sini.” “aku pun takde mak bapak pe, sape nak kesian kan aku?” many more were said back then but these two sentences were the ones that had hurt me deeply. Cuz in the first place, she was the one that had wanted me to stay there. Cuz she was under the illusion that I had money. And when my resources were drying up, she started to abuse me. Why does her words hurt me every one might wonder? Its because I had put her in my heart amid people that I love so much. I had truly and honestly thought of her as a motherly figure in my life. I admit, we had some great and trying times together, but when my money dried up I became her number one enemy. I have no family thus I have no home too. And cruelly she threw me out of her house without even giving me ample time to find a place. Having no choice, I left my belongings at a friend’s place and slept at the playground for three solid days. Having my baths at the nearby swimming pool and eating whatever scraps that I could find, I would often gaze up at the stars wondering why is fate cruel to me. Soon after that I found solace in monster’s home. I never heard from her again except for the occasional paoto kia’s that exist at her home.. Her own children would paoto to me about whatever that she has said about me. Even after so long, she still saves my number as ‘gg babi’ and would also refer to me as sundal whenever that she speaks of me. But being weak, I never confronted her or made a big deal about it……. Until yesterday. After her mum sold off her house at hougang, she had a big fortune. And I noticed that az had started to changed. abit dramatically too I might say. It wasn’t just me who noticed but our circle of friends too had noticed. She would often leave me waiting at home while she went to meet her mother. From morning she would go, till the sun has set. I would be waiting like an idiot the whole time. And to add injury to the insult, she would always come home with scraps of food leftover by some restaurant that they had went together. I never touched any of the food she brought. My pride just wouldn’t let me. Yesterday, I guess my patience had reached its limits. She said that she was going to take her laptop and after she came back we would go together to tina’s house. She left a little before noon and I waited till 5 plus I guess. She msged me using her mum phone telling me the model of her laptop at 2pm. But till then she still havent reached. So I used monster’s hp to text her. I said, “lame nyer amek laptop, kau kalau da dgn mak kau perangai mcm gini uh!” and lets just guess who replied! The devil in disguise itself! Her mum! She said; “knp dia tk blh jmp dgn aku dah mcm2 kau buat dgn anak aku kau ingat aku tak tahu aku belum lagi nak jmp dgn kau nanti satu ari aku nak bersemuka dgn kau kau tak ada hak nak control diru dia untuk jmp dgn aku n family dia” what a damn shock I got! And how angry I got! What I replied is now very vague. But I know I did say that if she wants her daughter she can take her back. Cuz ive been chasing her out of my home for so long already but its her who doesn’t want to move back with her mum. Sampai member da jadi mcm org gila biler aku halau dier. And u know what the bitch replied? “memang aku suruh dia alik psl kau tahan dia mcm mana dia nak alik dgn family dia apa yg kau dah buat dgn anak aku” stupid narrow minded bitch. By that she means that I have done some black magic or voodoo on her daughter. Eh please lah pompan tua, kau ingat anak kau mane nyer power sak sampai aku nak ge dukun? Do you think that I am as old fashioned or tak laku macam kau? I don’t need magic. Ive got my brains and personality to make some one love me. Please let me re phrase that, its cuz of my brains and personality that people love me. I don’t need or want to force anyone. And again, your child is a GIRL!! Dari pada aku ge dukun buat anak kau puas hati aku ge dukun buat anak lelaki yg boleh kawin dgn aku kan? Logic tak? You are always blaming other people for your daughter’s mistakes. Do you realize that your daughter is an ADULT?? don’t tell me that she cant think for herself? But then I thought back. If az didn’t say to her mother anything why would she wanna bombard me that way right?

Az came back that very night. And we had a BIG BIG fight. She started by saying that I was the one who was rude to her mother. What an irony. Before her mother had any money, she would be the first to complain about her mother. Saying how evil and what a bitch she was. I said, kau mmg anak sundal! She retorted saying that she wasn’t a sundal. And I said, dgr clearly, kau ANAK sundal. Mak kau tu yg sundal. Wah member tros tak terima uh saying her mother wasn’t a sundal. But it’s a fact that she was. I’ve seen her in and out siak. Then az started to hurl abuse at me. Saying things that hurt me deep inside. Things that I think that she has been keeping inside her for as long as our relationship.. She called me pompan murah. Pompan sundal, pepek busuk. She hina me saying that I have no family. That I don’t know the meaning of family. She ever mentioned that my mother had died because of me, that I’m a jinx. A jinx to the people around me. She had even wanted to hit me. But my friends stopped her before she could. But i tell you, I was ever so ready to punch the daylights out of her. I would. After that I just couldn’t take it anymore. Before I started crying like a girl would normally do, I told tina that I wanted to go up. But I didn’t want her going up too. Cuz looking at her face itself made me wanna puke. And when I walk away I told adit that I didn’t want her to come up. And you know what az said, “kau fikir tu rumah kau pe, aku nyer pasal uh nak naik ke taknak. Kau bayar tina duit sewa brape?” I just couldn’t be bothered anymore, I just walked away silently. And when I reached the lift and out of her sight, I just broke down in tears. I just couldn’t believe my eyes, ears and heart. I just couldn’t believe how evil and cruel she had become. Its true what people say. Money is the root of all evil. She has turned blind. Turned blind with money that she could no longer differentiate between right and wrong. I told adit, please make her leave. Tell her that I don’t want her in my home anymore. She did leave.

So I went my home just now, just to check things out. Not even a single trace of her was left at my home. She took everything and really went to live with her mother. A part of me felt suppppeeeeerrrr sad. But then it felt like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I felt a huge relief even though there was a sadness too. Riding back to tina’s, many things were on mind. I thought about the happier moments we had when money was never an issue. I thought about the sacrifices that we made for each other. And I thought of all the sweet sweet promises we had for each other. The oaths we took in the moonlight. And I also thought of the love that we had declared for each other. Was it all just a game or fun for her? Az, you dare to take those steps away from me when I had given my soul up just for you. Az, you dare to choose to walk away when im standing here not moving even an inch. Im all alone, with all my hope put on you. Yet you don’t realize that you ARE my life. Yes I have no family. And yes I have no one. You are the only one that im depending on. You are my mother, my father, my brother, my sister, my enemy, my best friend. You are everything to me. You are my world. But never could I imagine, you would have the heart to do this to me. Never could I imagine that you never once understood how much I NEEDED you.

I guess now I have to be stronger than before. Im sure God does this for a reason cuz as the saying goes, Allah tak akan menguji umat Nya lebih dari kemampuan mereka. My heart has turned stone cold for you. I know this cuz just now in the morning you texted me, “I cant lie tat I still missing you n love u. .watever u want say u say I put my damm fucking ego aside. .do tc urself be a good gal. .” and I felt nothing. I felt an emptiness. I guess this is really the end between us, for all I know I just don’t wanna be with you for now. And if the heavens permit, lets make it forever. Even though I know that the road is gonna be hard and at times it WILL get lonely, I have to carry on my life without you. Cuz being with you, is pointless when we are not on par. You want it your way, and your ways are childish. I need guidance. I need someone strong, who can lead me through life. I don’t care if you are a butch, but at times, I need you to be a real man. And you never did or could even, rise up to the occasion. So here we are, at the crossroads of our lives. You taking the highway, and me? I guess I will go the road less taken. Who knows what God has in store for me.

For yourself Az. Or Azz as you would rather refer to. I hope that you would lead a fulfilling life. I wish that one day you would find out the meaning of being lonely. And when that day comes, I pray that you would remember me and finally know what you should have done for me. All I ever asked for was for you to be my shoulder to cry on. To be the hand that wipes my tears away and the one that hugs me to give me warmth when the cold cold harshness of loneliness strikes me. You were wrong to say that I have no family. You should have said that I HAD no family. Now, its really true. Cuz when I had you , I had a family. Now that you are gone, I really have none. Its okay, really. One day, you will feel exactly how im feeling now. And again, when the day comes, you will be reminded of us. Nothing is worse than regret. I am glad that between us, I will have none. Cuz I know that I have given my all, my soul, my life to you. You will regret it one day. Not regret about walking away from us. But regret that you could never have given me true happiness. Regret that you never did give your all into our relationship. Regret will kill you slowly from inside. Nobody could ever love you like how I am loving you. Only time will tell.

Signing off,
Gergerl.

♥Thursday, May 13, 2010

thanks to mex for having such a great father. thanks baba, gg takde hp baba belikan. walaupun hp budget, still you bought it for me. beh rokok slalu dpt free, dgn duit jajan. at least tak dapat kasih sayang from my own family, i guess there are still people out there who loves me and appreciates me. azz kalau kau tak blh cherish aku takpe. i still have people like baba, wanie, liza, nana, grace and finally tina. to count on when i feel sad and lonely.

yes its true i dont have a family, but i have a family of frens..

i love you guys.



do you know how much i miss you? how much i miss us?

i miss the great great times we had together. the times when there was nobody to come in between the two of us. now things have changed.. and i guess maybe, the both of us have changed too. even though wounds may heal, the scar lingers. and thats whats wrong with us, everything lingers.

the only thing that doesnt is our love.

why? why must this happen to me again? over and over countless times. havent my tears dropped down enough for you? or havent my body bruised enough for you? i wish, and thats all that i can do.

i love you, but now you will never know how much

im 'widowed'. i guess this time its real.

you leave, you have a home. people who care for you whom you can call family. but when i leave, i have nobody. but this is a choice that im making. i cant take your lies n deceit anymore. go, call us quits. goodbye. yes, goodbye.

im sorry i guess? but thanks for the wonderfully bitter memories which you will never appreciate.


goodbye? (T T)



it is always about your family. whenever we fight it is about them. even because of them kau sanggup ckp mak aku mati pasal aku. never once has anyone told me i was the reason for my mother's death. yeah i know what i did, but you dont have to blow it in my face. fuck lah, you did me for a solid two years siak. mane kau tinggal kan aku kt rumah dgn takde mkn n duit. kau sibok kt rumah tu pompan muker scrap. sibok makan sedap2 kt mac. mane kau ckp yg the couple tattoo we did resembles her. 'you are the brightest star in the sky' lah konon. masok dlm toilet just to call her. n not to mention the abuse i was put thru when i was staying at your parents place. and the bruises you left me both physically n mentally. frankly i had enough of you. left you for another guy for a good one month, you came back into my life with promises of change and a new life. but no, kau skrg pun sibok kt clarke quay. entah sibok buat aper dgn sape pun aku tak tau.

enough lah, i thinkk you forgot the bitch that i could be. maybe i should being one again. yeah, i think i should.



This reality sucks. Not everything that we planned out will turn out the way it should be.

I saw the newspaper ad for Singtel. Sign up for their 7.2mp/s mobile broadband and get a lenovo laptop free. Seeing that I only have an outstanding balance of $126 I decided to pay it off and get the plan. I called up Singtel to confirm after paying that I could sign up for the plan. I was told that there would be a deposit of $200. I thought it was a good deal. $126 +$200. After cutting that away from my $800 bursary I would still have some left for personal expenses.

But after excitedly paying off my bill, I went straight to their hello! Shop. After queuing up for nearly 15 mins, you know what the damn counter girl said to me?! “im sorry but you have to put in a deposit of $500” some more the lenovo laptop promo da tak ader!! Siak betol, kalau aku tau tak ge bayar bill tu, puas hati ge beli prepaid broadband star hub kan!!

Budget da lari, no hp no laptop. I thought with this money left, I better buy something that would be a good use for me. So straight I went to NTUC Fairprice and bought this Acer Aspire One Notebook. Rather have something then nothing at all right. Ugh, but this netbook is still not what I wanted in the first place. ITE!! Give me another bursary please!!

♥Tuesday, May 11, 2010

finally i get my netbook!! yeah, update again soon.

♥Saturday, May 8, 2010

okay so Azz lappy is down with fever.. auntie said that chip had burst.. so have to wait till this coming friday then can get it back.. till then i wont be so frequent in my blogs..

like FINALLY. i received my bursary. after waiting and waiting for soooo loonnngggg, i couldnt take it anymore and called up the CC. it turns out that, they have my blk number but they do not have my UNIT NUMBER!!!!! how dumb can i like get???!! so they have been trying to get through to my prepaid-less number to get my full address for like TWO WEEKS!!! haix.. and the singtel mobile broadband offer that comes with the free laptop has ended already. and im getting my cash on tuesday. the stupid cheque is a cross cheque, so after waiting unneccesarily for two weeks i have to wait again till tuesday. cuz its a saturday today. like how unlucky can i get?

laptop meletop, offer habes, cheque lambat, bank lambat.

and the bestest thing is, im supposed to go to HSBC Treetop Walk today, but cancelled because of this stupid cheque lah! if i know get on tuesday id rather go on monday.. tsk.

♥Sunday, May 2, 2010

♥ One & Only.

no matter how long we exist,we have our memories-
points in time which time itself cannot erase. suffering may distort my backward glances, but even to suffering, some memories will yield nothing of their beauty or their splendor. rather they remain as hard as gems..


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♥ Yours Truly.

♥ Gergerl .

belongs to ♥ Boy Aries
most times CLUMSY,
always called CRAZY.
I always speak my mind, usually hurting others in the process.
Im sorry if you cant handle my straightforward ways.
Im LOUD & OBNOXIOUS.
& i dont care what you tink.
Im HAPPY, & I guess thats all that matters. :)

Does it matter?

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