madah berhelah really just made the gate on my eyes just crashed. crashed by the tears that is running down my cheeks non stop.
as if it wasnt even enough that im already stressed over where i should take shelter tonight. so guys? where should i be sleeping or just spending my time alone tonight?
i dont wanna go over to friend's cuz im feeling so down that i just wanna be alone. i thought that she would at least be back by now, but no she isnt. if she was we could just have a quiet evening together some where like how we always used to do when that girl has to come over 26.
but i guess now i have to go through it by myself. the original way was by myself actually, so i do not know why it has to hurt this time round.
maybe i got too comfortable having a partner around.
why is it that she have to be the one that i love so much, why cant i get somebody else to feel secured to?
why cant i just feel secure?
beautifully broken: Saturday, July 31, 2010
i was looking for some dangdut songs on youtube, to get myself hyped up.. but came across Madah Berhelah by Ziana Zain instead.. my arwah mama used to sing this song everyday after i come home from school..
(T.T) Allah lebih sayang kan dier i know, but i just cant help being sad for a miin there..
beautifully broken: Saturday, July 31, 2010
yes i can be a minah dangdut at times.. cuz this song fully describes how we first met & how i felt.. hahahaha.. enjoy!
beautifully broken: Saturday, July 31, 2010
beautifully broken: Saturday, July 31, 2010
beautifully broken: Saturday, July 31, 2010
i swear that whilst i am typing this very post, angry tears are rushing down my cheeks. & i know even if you saw this post, you wouldn't read it to the very end cuz you'd fall asleep. that's how unimportant i am to you.
how could you be so god damn selfish, prioritizing the stupid bike than me?
ok before i get my readers confused let start a little back in time.
as anyone close to me should know, 'who else' is a Malaysian citizen & without a work permit, she has to go back n forth every 2 weeks or so. every single time, i would follow her there like batman & robin. never separated. only this time, i wasn't able to. because i didn't check my passport. n it expires like, freaking tomorrow.
so poor robin has to stay behind while batman goes to Malaysia.
& if you had been following my stories, we recently had an accident. not a bad one, but the bike was injured badly. we tried looking for the cover set here in Singapore but lo & behold, this country just doesn't have any krizz 110 cover sets.
so we planned to buy it from Malaysia on our next trip. which is this one which i didn't get to follow.
i hate separation. i get separation anxiety. as you can see in all my previous posts. so before she left, she promised to be back by Wednesday, latest Thursday. (you can read about what i did the past few days. pathetic, really) but then Friday came, & i received the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching, head banging call ever.
did you know what she told me? she told me she couldn't get home cuz she didn't have money after buying the cover set. so now she has to wait for her aunt to give her some than she can go back to Singapore.
pls, for my sake. let me repeat this one more time. just so you could try & understand why i felt so angry, hurt & what ever that is related.
she said, (& let me emphasize on this greatly)
she didn't have money to go back cuz she bought the cover set
so tell me, the stupid bike's cover set is far more important than my well being? she couldn't have just skipped buying it & just get it when my passport's ready?
i really feel like shit.
why can't i be a priority? why can't i like come 1st before anything?
i never had & never was important enough for you.
to those who knows about the 3 damn days she left me to be at some ugly bitch home, i feel like this is an exact re enactment. only this time the duration is longer & that the ugly bitch is now a bike.
plus this home has been on my nerves for the past few days. the first two days have been pleasantly boring until monster's brother came home with some stupid drunken frens & made me irritated.
& then monster's turn to irritate me. the whole day of today. made go here & there, to buy Maggi then reach home ask me to go withdraw money & buy food. then reach home after that, ask me to cut his hair. & yapping on & on irritating me with a voice that men shouldn't have.
even as I'm typing this post, he is still talking to me about totally stuffs that are unimportant to me. like can't you see the irritated face that I'm wearing or like can't you see the bloody tears running down my cheeks?
cant you leave me freaking alone for just a minute?!!
gosh. I'm just super down.. feeling so low.
i tell myself time & again, this is not the way i should be living my life. i shouldn't be constantly wondering if i am number 1.
& i shouldn't have a voice at the back of my head saying that she'll do it again.
but somehow, i think that i can never be strong enough to walk away. never be strong enough to love myself more & save myself from future miseries.
i just wish the tears would stop.
i just wish every scene didn't keep on re playing in my mind.
i just wish that i didn't remember so clearly.
your actions, your words, your thoughts..
they seep through me like blood.
rather, they seep through me like poison.
slowing multiplying & taking every space in my mind & body that i think one day,
will be murderous enough to kill me.
so when that do happens, i just hope that finally you have a lesson learnt.
you better be reaching home tonight. else i could & WOULD cry sak.
i cannot sleep lah paham tak. just like yesterday, slept when the sun was up, woke up & the sun's still up. n now i have yet to fall asleep.
tsk, pfft. tolong lah, dont seksa me. i want tuh sleep.
so please come home?
now?
beautifully broken: Wednesday, July 28, 2010
♥Tuesday, July 27, 2010
im so scared of being alone, in silence. Plus the TV's spoiled thus the 24hrs online. I NEED SLEEP but i cant sleep without you lah. Pfft. Im never sleeping next to you again when u come back so the next time you have to go i won't have this 'lost' feeling.
i REALLY REALY hate silence. there is just something that freakes me out about it.
about how i can hear a pin drop across the room, & the water droplets falling into the bucket from the carelessly closed tap in the toilet. how i can hear people voices downstairs mumbling. but the part which i hate most is hearing footsteps outside my door & thinking that it could be you, then running & checking the peep hole & seeing its just my neighbour. again.
then the thought slams on me, you hv just left. you hv to go to msia. how could you be here now if you're there?
why lah why your mum go & give birth to you there? we wouldnt be in this state if she didnt.
cepat lah bbbaaaaalllleeeekkkk.... with my goreng pisang, don't forget k Ddy.
is there such a thing as temporary insanity? is it even possible to be temporarily insane?
most times i feel.. insane. yeah.
i would feel super disgusted at myself. at how i had let go of my body & let it grow becoming this huge monster that i am now. looking back at my old old pictures, i have ballooned up to a size i never imagined that i could get to.
being overweight sucks. its the cause of every other sucks thing. like the extra fats in my body, causes my hair to be oily when it wasn't, in the first place. and that in turn makes my face oily leading to pimples and black heads. and when my face is damaged, my insecurity sets in. when i look at the mirror sometimes i feel like an acne ridden teenager when in fact im already a young adult. & when i look at the full length mirror, & see all the fats that used to never be there i would feel even worse.
after that when i go to shops and find some pants or clothes that im so fond of, coincidentally there wouldn't be any, in my size.
i'd feel even lower when i meet my frens, & being the only one big size. & hear them lamenting about how fat they got when all i could see is lean bodies & toned tummies..
& almost everyone whom i meet just HAVE to let me know that ive yet again gained weight. like as if i don't know. once or twice is ok. but to go on & on about how they have just met me 10 mths ago & i've ballooned up so much since then, & that if this continue i am gonna get even fatter & fatter till i won't be able to see the shape of my thighs? its a huge punch to my ego.
& i just HATE it when they compare the size of my star to Az's. the reason is obvious, im fatter than her thats why i have a bigger sized star.
i know that we should be comfortable in our own skin, cuz beauty lies inside. but how do i feel beautiful inside when my insides are broken because of my outsides?
my insecurities causes me to be insane. most of the times when i see a mirror.
i know. i havent been updating my blog for the past few days. its cuz things have been pretty hectic down here.
why is it when we fight, we fight like crazy. but when we're ok, we love like crazy too.
wonder wonder wonder.
anyways, i was working at the carwash yesterday. & while was jetting the taxi, i pulled my tali, (which is normal) & i didnt realise that it got stuck to the number plate.
thinking that it was nothing, i just pull, full strength. & then wham! the plate broke!
jia lat sia! lucky for me, it was damn noisy so the driver didnt hear a thing. kuat kappeerrr aku.
hahaha. ii quickly pick up the broken piece & hid it.
i think that my school frens got a bit of mix up because of formspring when it was posted at facebook.. just look at this. funny sia.. hahahah..
super random sia drg.. haha. i think they couldnt see the wanie morier sticking under the question.. haha. kekek siak.
anyways. the kuda kepang that happens under my blk every 2 weeks is so irritating. like whatever happened to the culture?? so many mats & minahs yang YP2 nyer are getting interested in the art and ruining everything. what i mean by ruining it is this, everytime they are on they would scream and sing along to the beat "eh ah eh ah ... " & the rest you know what they are singing. (eh why my english like so bad uh?)
anyways... to add to the irritating-ness, my house is on the fourth floor. and the smell of the kemenyan is so strong that it gives me headaches..
i just love random-ness! & this was a effing funny incident. monster was asking me, "cepat nyer luka baik"
and my darling azz ge jawab, "yelah psl dier ni hantu coke."
you should have seen the blur ness on monster's face. haha. i just can't stop laughing, even as im typing this post. gosh.
Dy! Slenge nyer! cute kan kau. my only pak mat tempeh.
beautifully broken: Saturday, July 17, 2010
♥Friday, July 16, 2010
daddy finally brought me out, to a special place instead of these stupid mundane places.
ok lah not so special, just the Swan Lake at Botanic Gardens. i know, its not an extravagant place bt it is still special coming from her. i had loads of fun and many laughs. Han tagged along as well. so he became our source of laughter. we took some pictures, and let me tell you why we laugh till our stomach cramped up.
die die i wanted Han to take a pic with this skinny lady. haha. called it Han's wife. cuz she's so skinny just like Han!
az calls this The Gardener & Minah Indon Sesat
az says "lepas da gardening puas2, masok dlm amek gambar"
and then this is the satisfied gardener after taking pic inside.
hahahaha. i know it doesnt sound so funny. but at the time it was. very funny infact. haha. here are some more pics..
till tomorow.. cuz im off to yishun now to meet my cousin..
beautifully broken: Friday, July 16, 2010
♥Thursday, July 15, 2010
i guess sleep is something that everyone needs. sleep deprivation could cause hallucinations & many2 illness. but yeah ive heard alot about the dangers of lack of sleep. what happens when its the other way around. like too much sleep? like this fella here.
will you wake up already???
i swear i could go crazy if u slept anymore.
beautifully broken: Thursday, July 15, 2010
♥Wednesday, July 14, 2010
here are a few of my favourite quotes
its been awhile since i heard someone referred to Twillight as the time of the day
irritating people irritates me
performance molecule that enhances the engine
haha! super kinky lah the last one.
Random.
i miss school, really i do. i miss Cafe 2 & its chicken wrap. i missing puffing on the death sticks at the carpark. but mostly i miss hanging out with my frens.
Jayjay, Mariam, Ash & Nad.
let me tell you about all the things i miss about school,
the morning train & bus squeeze
the lazy afternoons at the atrium
the fun projects.
i just miss school. okay how many times have i said that?
probably my brain's just screwed up from being stuck at home for so long.
my body's just filled with so much energy that is dying to get out. i wanna run, jump and fly.
did i just jump from one topic to another with no sort of link at all?
oh the blasphemy!
beautifully broken: Wednesday, July 14, 2010
it turns out tht she didnt bring me out.
ended up she went to work at carwash pulak. sakit hati pe!
so i was left at home, for the fourth day.
only this time i was alone.
i swear i could die out of boredom if i didnt have facebook games!
later when she comes home im sure that she wanna sleep again.
so i guess it'll be a fifth day that im in this 'enclosure'.
im bored lah. somebody bring me out, can?
funny isn't it? hahaha!
she's home already now. but she just doesnt want to bathe and bring me out. see how lazy she is.
can we go out now?
pls?
beautifully broken: Wednesday, July 14, 2010
♥Tuesday, July 13, 2010
you can say it, yeah im bored.
heck its been three damn days since i stepped outside you know.
dy.... wake up lah.
lets go out while we still can lor...
tsk.
see that. tsk. bz sleeping away. will you wake up now?
beautifully broken: Tuesday, July 13, 2010
sorry for the third posting today. but i just wanted to say..
hey, did you guys know that im super addicted to nightclub city on Facebook? i swear i could 24hrs on it without stopping!!
that's my club right there.
i know small & level 18 only. but im getting somewhere.
my wonderful entourage.. hehe
my beautiful Azz Starr *loves*
voila!! gorgeous aren't i!!
beautifully broken: Tuesday, July 13, 2010
like finally! now i think i9ts easier to read my posts right. anyway, as i was saying, on 2nd July of Azz's bday we had an accident. at balestier on the way home from wild wild wet. well we didnt get to go in wild wild wet cuz it was raining so heavily!
i tell you, even before we had the accident we could feel it in our bones that something was just not right. it felt like something out of Final Destination. it rained the whole day, road is still wet, cars blaring their horns, time like slowing down.. and when we did fall, i ended up to the 2nd lane. confused & numb, i wanted to get up. but i when i looked up from where i landed i could see a huge car just jamming the e brakes infront of me. i swear, i could see my life just pass me by.
i was lucky tht the veh was slow. i guess i wouldnt be here typing all these now if the car had been driving at 80km/h.
after that tragic day, we tried to be more careful. but we had another accident just a few days after. and ended up with a scraped knee.
perfectly disgusting i say. my knee is scraped, shoulders are too. my hands even worse. i feel so ugly with all these scars!
but hey, im lucky to be alive huh?
beautifully broken: Tuesday, July 13, 2010
here it goes.. im changing my blog skin.. to something simpler first. after that i really2 need to update lor!!!
beautifully broken: Tuesday, July 13, 2010
♥Saturday, July 10, 2010
ok so at first i thought that tday was gonna be a sucky day.. cuz i dont really believe in celebrations..
i woke up too damn early at 7am in the first place, with her still sleeping.. so i just minded my own business and let her sleep in since it was a saturday morning.. i tried to watch tv, but then i just couldnt get the stupid machine to start!!
so i decided to watch dvd on my lappy instead. finished two, and she still havent woke up. and at that moment i knew that there was only one way to make her wake up willngly.
i went to the kitchen and cooked. when it was done, i just had to bring it inside and let the aroma linger on her nose. and it worked!
she woke up and we got Han to follow us to town to grab the broadband plan. and we did, thus this update. yippee!! dont worry my baby girlfriend, its not your fault that your m1 has some outstanding. see, things worked out for me anyway.. =)
wanna re vamp my blog soon.. now just plain tired just got home from town.. met liza, and it felt so good to laugh and be girly again even though it was just a while.
now, when will i get to meet my baby girlfren WANIIE???? i miss you damn loads tau.
beautifully broken: Saturday, July 10, 2010
♥Thursday, July 8, 2010
2nd july, baby's birthday and we had a motor accident.
just a few days later, which is today we had another accident.
damn stupid isnt it.. scraped my knee and it bled like hell. *sob sob*
just went to m1 with Han to get the broadband, but then cannot. we were told to go to IMM or Paragon.. so tomorow we're going.. with my scraped knees and all..
yeah, finally no more hanging around outside till im damn sleepy. will have comfort of internet at home.. thanks to Han yeah..
so will be updating my blog regularly from now on ok..
*two more days to two years* love love
beautifully broken: Thursday, July 08, 2010
♥ One & Only.
no matter how long we exist,we have our memories-
points in time which time itself cannot erase.
suffering may distort my backward glances, but even to suffering,
some memories will yield nothing of their beauty or their splendor.
rather they remain as hard as gems..
♥ Gergerl . belongs to ♥ Boy Aries
most times CLUMSY,
always called CRAZY.
I always speak my mind, usually hurting others in the process.
Im sorry if you cant handle my straightforward ways.
Im LOUD & OBNOXIOUS.
& i dont care what you tink.
Im HAPPY, & I guess thats all that matters. :)
