♥Sunday, August 29, 2010
hi..
beautifully broken: Sunday, August 29, 2010
♥Monday, August 23, 2010
depression is such a scary state to be in. well i can be honest about it, i am so scared. scared of being depressed. scared of having my tears run down my cheeks. scared of looking at this house. scared of the future and what is gonna happen soon.
im just glad amidst my depression, i have you dydy. to hold my hands. please do not let go cuz if you do, im just scared of what might happen to be.
dark and evil thoughts are taking residence in my mind.. and as the situation unfolds my mind keeps on rewinding on the makcik who jump herself to death, leaving her poor pakcik behind, afraid to go home as he is unable to face the facts that she has left her. and there he would be faithfully, every night just after mahgrib with his clothes and food at the playground. we kept him company once, talked to him about his life and why he has to sleep at the playground. and his reply was simple, he said that he could feel her at home, and it saddens him too much to be near her.
why did she jump we asked ourselves, and after hearing the painful hardship that they went through together we could understand why. he said that she brought him luck when she was alive, and she still brought him luck after death. she had $10 in her possession when she jumped. and the money was handed over to him. he said the money he had never used and it has since multiplied to hundreds. he loved her we could see. and he loved her proud.
and the dark thought that was lingering at the back of my mind, even as im typing this, should i die? should i die and release her of this suffering? it is never fair for her to go through a suffering like mine. she would never have to be in this pain had i never took her away from Ani. you should go, and leave. cuz this life was never meant to be yours. i was selfish in taking you with me. and i am selfish to put you through this mess. maybe if i died, then i wouldnt be such a bother, and maybe if i died, then there would be a lesser burden.
but looking at you sleep so comfortable next to me, and hearing your voice saying that its gonna be okay. maybe there is some strength left in me to fight this war. to fight this Fate that God has given me. maybe if i died, you would die too. maybe i was being selfish in wanting to die when you might need me too as much as i need you. maybe if i died you would stray and be lost and succumb to evil as i did. but what if stayed alive? and fight till my very last breath? what if we made it one day? what if one day, everyone knew my name? not for the evil, but for the good and willing. what if one day, one day.. what if... what if...
Lynn posted on her FB, "Hope whispers.. "Give it another try"
maybe i should, maybe i will.
beautifully broken: Monday, August 23, 2010
♥Monday, August 16, 2010
my piglet, my hp and my lappy. in that order too,
beautifully broken: Monday, August 16, 2010
famous actor. i cant sing, really.
beautifully broken: Monday, August 16, 2010
ellen degeneres, beyonce and gwen stefani. in that order.
beautifully broken: Monday, August 16, 2010
talker. becok lah aku.
beautifully broken: Monday, August 16, 2010
im dying slowly inside with your poison seepin thru me slowly.
i hate them. i hate him. i hate people adding fuel to the fire.
i hate you boy. you know that? i hate you.
you bitch like a girl. seriously.
beautifully broken: Monday, August 16, 2010
♥Sunday, August 15, 2010
why must there be this need in my life?
do you too sometimes get this feeling? that things were never meant to be? that if you gave up, even for the slightest moment, that things would end n turn out disasterous?
its so saddening to know that even after so long, you'd never know what i want, what i need..
its so saddening that i still feel empty. the glass is always just half empty. its never full. and i will always have this longing in my heart that just never seems to go away.
people say that opposites attract. but from my point of view, its our opposites that pushes us further apart. sometimes i feel that you would be better off with somebody else. somebody that can please you, that is as simple, as oblivious.
in my dreams, you would turn up with a stalk of flower, even though you know that i dont like flowers.
you would be gone out with frens, then turn up with a surprise that you keep in your hands behind your back & ask me to catch you to get the surprise.
you would say, wait a minute, be gone & come back with a bar of snickers.
you would hold my hands, & wont let go even if i tried.
you would kiss my cheeks infront of everyone, & scream 'you know how much i love you',
you would sneak up behind me & hug me then whisper sweet nothings.
in my dreams, you would try.
but then, thats just a fantasy of mine. call me a hopeless romantic if you want to. i just want to feel cherished.
cherished.
i wish you could be my soulmate.
beautifully broken: Sunday, August 15, 2010
♥Sunday, August 1, 2010
plenty of you might be wondering as to why i cant go home. ok its so not fair to assume that people might understand when they do know not my background.. my apologies.. so here i am, creating a blog entry introducing a summary of my pathetic life, just so you know. im not trying to gain sympathy, just want people to know how it started.
my name is Gergerl, people call me Gg for short.
im 22 this October, and im a lesbian.
(i didnt start that way, but now i am. so just accept me for who i am)
im an orphan.
my mum passed away due to kidney failure when i was 15.
my dad sold off the house shortly after my mum's death & just left me to rot here in Singapore while he went to Malaysia with some ugly fat bitch.
i have no siblings.
i did not ask to be who i am.
i did not ask to be strayed away from the path of good.
but i did.
i was young, i was naive.
but then i met a good man. his name is monster. he was 22 at that time and i was 15.
we were together for five years.
and i tell you, that was the bestest five years of my life.
he gave me shelter, a place i could call home. clothing to wear and food to eat.
it was sad though that i didnt love him.
i just didnt love men in general.
so it wasnt his fault.
after five years of denial, i confessed. that i love a woman. and at first he didnt believe it. but then things happened in between and the three of us are very good frens.
he's much more like a brother to me now.
in fact so much like a brother that he continued letting me live at his place with my gf.
so he moved on. and found a great gf. and i was happy for him. but his gf, just coudnt stand the thought of him meeting me. so we had to keep the co-habiting a secret from her.
so thats how, almost every 2 weeks im stuck outside. with no place to go. cuz whenever the gf comes over to sleep there, i cant be around. and we'd hide our stuffs and i leave without a trace. until he texts me saying that she's left.
its just unfortunate that my gf isnt here to go through this 'suffering' with me this time.
its just infortunate that i havent been working for the past few days.
its just unfortunate that she came at this time when im all alone and cash-less.
im a big baby. i can cry even by looking at the moon. circumstances havent made me grow up.
and im sensitive, irrelevant and annoying most times too.
i guess that this situation is just retribution for all the bad deeds ive done in the past. & here i am not being strong and just crying my night away.
bt i just cant help it. i cant but cry. and i appreciate all the people who tried to comfort me and failed. all those people who wanted to comfort me and got dissed instead.
im just plain mean when im cranky.
i love you people. i love that there are still kind people in this world. looking at the rising sun amidst the heavy rain, and judging by all the concern comments on my FB, i came to realise that no matter what, life goes on. another day will come to take over the night. and another night will come to take over the day.
and that happens even when you feel that your life has taken a stand still.
again, thank you. thank you for lifting my spirits..
beautifully broken: Sunday, August 01, 2010
like i said in my fb status. slepping at the void deck was ok until it got too cold & i wanted to pee badly.
to think after years of experience, i would at least remember to wear jeans or long pants. but nooo... i didnt remember how cold it could get when the morning dew has started to settle..
how do i define ok anyway.. was woken up several times cuz my body hurt badly sleeping sleeping on the cold floor of the playground. cried several times, cried at my pathetic situation. n oh, did i tell you that i just heard some thunder?
usually at times like this, there would be someone to hug me to help keep me warm.. and when i was woken up due to some stupid noises or just because it hurt, somebody would be there to comfort me.. and when i started to cry, at my pathetic-ness, she would graciously give up her sweater for me to wear on top of my own, then say that its gonna be alright soon..
but no, not today. i cried n cried. till i fell asleep.. then was starlted by the noises of the night and started crying again till i fell asleep again. i would have fell damn scared if it wasn't for this huge cat that came to sleep with me.
i asked God to protect me, from being robbed, raped and even ghosts. i guess the cat was an angel in disguise, cuz even after i woke up after the final crying and fell into a deep sleep with drools and all, it was still there, just an arms reach away. not sleeping this time though but pruning its fur.
i said bye to the cat, stroke it and said thanks. for i had to head to the nearest coffeeshop.. wanted to pee so badly! now as im typing this, its getting colder.. the winds makin kencang oi.. and the sound oof thunder is getting louder. oh please do not rain till at least there is sunshine.. time check now is 5.22am. and its sunday. i still have 76% on my batt which is about 4hrs plus. and oh great, the first of the rain have started falling.
so i what wil i do after my notebook battery has died?? haix.. this is the part where im starting to cry again.. go figure.
beautifully broken: Sunday, August 01, 2010
