the problem with me is that i am over emotional. but i have a right to be emotional right? what with the recent events that has sarcastically rocked my world. i wish i could share with the world my woes and bygones but tragically its too sensitive to be let out to the world. to the very few that does know, i assure you that i am NOT fine. i wish that i could see the silver lining in this dark cloud. but sadly, no i have not and i do not think that i ever will. its so ironic that people deem me to be strong, resilient and willful. when in fact, i am breaking into pieces at the very core of myself. 

i feel, like my soul has been savagely ripped apart and torn at the very core of my essence. my heart is racing & i feel like screaming my lung out in despair. i am terrified and if i could, i want to run to my non existent bed and hide under my security blanket and cry. even without the bed and blanket, i am already crying at times when i remember. whenever im reminded of my... of my... disability?

i wonder at times, how this strange path would shape my future self? would it make me stronger, better and a wiser person? or would it lead to the destruction of my very soul? even now, at the start of the battle that i have to go through, i think i am already suffering the side effects. i feel... dark. and somewhat evil. i look at those people who can be happy the way i want to and feel this monster in me rise and think evil thoughts. i loathe them and despise them. im jealous. i do not wish to see them or their bountiful joys. and i am ashamed of it.

i am ashamed at myself. that i could dislike or even hate? hate the innocent creatures that i too were once was. to those that knows and understands the actual meaning of what i am saying. i hope that you guys could counsel me. i do not feel myself lately. when i am not blaming those for adding insult to my injury, i start blaming myself instead.

is this... karma acting on me? retribution? or is God just picking on me? did i even sin to think of that last sentence? or should i even care that i sinned? i feel....... strange in fact. at how my mind is working this few days. i even go to the extent of pretending i do not see the swells in the bodies of others. but lo and behold, i have to face one swell everyday as i am living with someone who's swelling. i despite that fact. i despise that i have to stare, everyday, at what was denied of me.

the irony. staring at me in the face, every single day. when all i wanna do is to not look, to not remember, to not feel. and if money was not an issue, i think i would be having a relapse to K. yes. a relapse is what i need. a momentary time away from this hurt, this pain that i am feeling.

but who am i kidding? after the numb has faded away, again i will be here, writing away with a tear stained face.

and to top it off, i do not have the belief that my relationship can withstand this trial. and i have every reason to believe so. and if that is the case, i would gladly pack my bags and leave without a regret. to give him a chance, to be with someone else without my problems, that would be my wish. his happiness would be my happiness. but in no way would i ever be happy on my own without him. but if being with me causes him distress and pain, i would do it. i would leave and disappear. 

its doesnt mean that i am treated unfairly that i have to drag him as well into my world of despair and darkness right? its just not fair for him. and one day he will understand should i make up my mind. 

i have an appointment later at 4pm. but i really think an appointment with a psychologist would be better. i just do not know how long i have till i go berserk. i do not know how much more of this suffering i can take until i just -snap- and lose my mind. 

first it was my mother's death. then my father's disappearance. then finding out that they were not my biological parents after all. and then looking for my real parents to no success then looking for adopted father and being told by the police that he does not want me to search for him in any way. and then the glimmer of hope, of happiness. in believing in marriage, in love. in believing that happiness do exist. that a family that i always wanted is actually achievable. that i could actually grasp it and kiss it and be happy for once.

and then... the realization. i wish i could say that i am okay after all of this. but i would be downright lying to myself wouldnt it be?

i have always derived my strength from Man. he has always been my pillar of strength and support. not forgetting the few GFs that i could always count on. but Man.. Man has been my life. and i do not know from where i could borrow a strong faith from. when i eventually make the decision to leave him. for the best. for his best. i intend to make this small sacrifice after i find out later on. 

i wont be selfish. even if im denied this pleasure, this happiness, i would not deny him of it. i would not kill his soul. i strongly object to it. let it be me, not him. as i strongly believe, that this all my fault. for all my past wrongdoings, for all the sins, for all the pain and hurt i have caused. retribution has its funny ways. has its funny ways of catching up to you just when you are almost the happiest you have ever been. 

to that i end this blog entry. to ponder and to unsettle myself badly until my appointment.

to those that has read this entry and understood what it actually means without me sharing with you firsthand before this, please do not pity or sympathize. i am a proud woman and really do not need your pity or even the acknowledgement.  to the very few that already knows, i believe, with my history of being interested in psychology, that this is an outright cry for help. though i stubbornly would not admit this openly, i need someone. i need help. =(