♥Saturday, July 31, 2010
i swear that whilst i am typing this very post, angry tears are rushing down my cheeks. & i know even if you saw this post, you wouldn't read it to the very end cuz you'd fall asleep. that's how unimportant i am to you.
how could you be so god damn selfish, prioritizing the stupid bike than me?
ok before i get my readers confused let start a little back in time.
as anyone close to me should know, 'who else' is a Malaysian citizen & without a work permit, she has to go back n forth every 2 weeks or so. every single time, i would follow her there like batman & robin. never separated. only this time, i wasn't able to. because i didn't check my passport. n it expires like, freaking tomorrow.
so poor robin has to stay behind while batman goes to Malaysia.
& if you had been following my stories, we recently had an accident. not a bad one, but the bike was injured badly. we tried looking for the cover set here in Singapore but lo & behold, this country just doesn't have any krizz 110 cover sets.
so we planned to buy it from Malaysia on our next trip. which is this one which i didn't get to follow.
i hate separation. i get separation anxiety. as you can see in all my previous posts. so before she left, she promised to be back by Wednesday, latest Thursday. (you can read about what i did the past few days. pathetic, really) but then Friday came, & i received the most heartbreaking, gut wrenching, head banging call ever.
did you know what she told me? she told me she couldn't get home cuz she didn't have money after buying the cover set. so now she has to wait for her aunt to give her some than she can go back to Singapore.
pls, for my sake. let me repeat this one more time. just so you could try & understand why i felt so angry, hurt & what ever that is related.
she said, (& let me emphasize on this greatly)
she didn't have money to go back cuz she bought the cover set
so tell me, the stupid bike's cover set is far more important than my well being? she couldn't have just skipped buying it & just get it when my passport's ready?
i really feel like shit.
why can't i be a priority? why can't i like come 1st before anything?
i never had & never was important enough for you.
to those who knows about the 3 damn days she left me to be at some ugly bitch home, i feel like this is an exact re enactment. only this time the duration is longer & that the ugly bitch is now a bike.
plus this home has been on my nerves for the past few days. the first two days have been pleasantly boring until monster's brother came home with some stupid drunken frens & made me irritated.
& then monster's turn to irritate me. the whole day of today. made go here & there, to buy Maggi then reach home ask me to go withdraw money & buy food. then reach home after that, ask me to cut his hair. & yapping on & on irritating me with a voice that men shouldn't have.
even as I'm typing this post, he is still talking to me about totally stuffs that are unimportant to me. like can't you see the irritated face that I'm wearing or like can't you see the bloody tears running down my cheeks?
cant you leave me freaking alone for just a minute?!!
gosh. I'm just super down.. feeling so low.
i tell myself time & again, this is not the way i should be living my life. i shouldn't be constantly wondering if i am number 1.
& i shouldn't have a voice at the back of my head saying that she'll do it again.
but somehow, i think that i can never be strong enough to walk away. never be strong enough to love myself more & save myself from future miseries.
i just wish the tears would stop.
i just wish every scene didn't keep on re playing in my mind.
i just wish that i didn't remember so clearly.
your actions, your words, your thoughts..
they seep through me like blood.
rather, they seep through me like poison.
slowing multiplying & taking every space in my mind & body that i think one day,
will be murderous enough to kill me.
so when that do happens, i just hope that finally you have a lesson learnt.
beautifully broken: Saturday, July 31, 2010
