♥Monday, August 23, 2010
depression is such a scary state to be in. well i can be honest about it, i am so scared. scared of being depressed. scared of having my tears run down my cheeks. scared of looking at this house. scared of the future and what is gonna happen soon.
im just glad amidst my depression, i have you dydy. to hold my hands. please do not let go cuz if you do, im just scared of what might happen to be.
dark and evil thoughts are taking residence in my mind.. and as the situation unfolds my mind keeps on rewinding on the makcik who jump herself to death, leaving her poor pakcik behind, afraid to go home as he is unable to face the facts that she has left her. and there he would be faithfully, every night just after mahgrib with his clothes and food at the playground. we kept him company once, talked to him about his life and why he has to sleep at the playground. and his reply was simple, he said that he could feel her at home, and it saddens him too much to be near her.
why did she jump we asked ourselves, and after hearing the painful hardship that they went through together we could understand why. he said that she brought him luck when she was alive, and she still brought him luck after death. she had $10 in her possession when she jumped. and the money was handed over to him. he said the money he had never used and it has since multiplied to hundreds. he loved her we could see. and he loved her proud.
and the dark thought that was lingering at the back of my mind, even as im typing this, should i die? should i die and release her of this suffering? it is never fair for her to go through a suffering like mine. she would never have to be in this pain had i never took her away from Ani. you should go, and leave. cuz this life was never meant to be yours. i was selfish in taking you with me. and i am selfish to put you through this mess. maybe if i died, then i wouldnt be such a bother, and maybe if i died, then there would be a lesser burden.
but looking at you sleep so comfortable next to me, and hearing your voice saying that its gonna be okay. maybe there is some strength left in me to fight this war. to fight this Fate that God has given me. maybe if i died, you would die too. maybe i was being selfish in wanting to die when you might need me too as much as i need you. maybe if i died you would stray and be lost and succumb to evil as i did. but what if stayed alive? and fight till my very last breath? what if we made it one day? what if one day, everyone knew my name? not for the evil, but for the good and willing. what if one day, one day.. what if... what if...
Lynn posted on her FB, "Hope whispers.. "Give it another try"
maybe i should, maybe i will.
beautifully broken: Monday, August 23, 2010
