♥Monday, November 8, 2010
could it be possible? that all these years that i have lived in denial that i am actually not alone?
could it be possible that what i found out is true? and what i and Liza mentioned and discussed about could be true?
I have always had this nagging doubt at the back of my mind when i was younger, why do i not look like my parents? why were there no similarity, even if it was just a little. those eyes, those lips.. my personality. i have always wondered why am i so different? why did i always stand out and am so different from the rest of my family. until when my late mum was in her dying days.. and she told me that i was never hers to start with.. i never wanted to believe her, but this voice inside my head told me that she wasnt lying. and after that, when monster asked for my hand in marriage back then, my father told his mum that i still had parents, that i still a mum who was still alive. and i never wanted to believe that either.
i never wanted to believe fully that i was never hers. cuz in my eyes, she is the one who raised me up. she is my one and only mother.
until..
i decided to get married. for real.
and i realised that i have to find out my roots once and for all. find out where did i come from and why and how things ended up this way.
not just for my sake, but also for him. for us. i do not want to start my married life feeling dubious and wondering. wondering whether my marriage is for real, whether its sah..
to find out that my real mother had me when she was 19, and that i have an elder brother who could be Man's age just shocked me. i mean i have always wanted to have an elder brother.
and the possibilities that i could have a younger sister or brother just amazes and scared me at the same time. what if i had fallen in love with my own brother? what if he is just a call away? what if we had done the unthinkable. *shudders*
who am i? and where did i come from?
will that question ever be answered?
beautifully broken: Monday, November 08, 2010
