Men will always be men. And what are humans without flaws? 

Lately many unimportant little facts have came to light, distorted facts or twisted facts. No matter how distorted and twisted though, there will always be a glimmer of truth behind every lie.. But I choose to follow my guts and follow my instincts. Follow what Nature has intended for me. 

This saying.. Men will always be men, and what are humans without flaws? I guess Mother Nature have always intended us homosapiens to learn from our mistakes and have deliberately made us test our patience and strength. Saying so, I have come to accept and even embrace the flaws that lies within you. And the opposites that we have characteristically I hope is what that brings us closer with each passing day.

I hope that you too will be able to embrace and nourish your soul with whatever flaws that do lie within me.

I’ve learnt too that even though certain things may cross our boundaries and push us out of our comfort zone, it is just a test of our morale and it is only in ourselves to be able to overcome the challenges and rise from the ashes like a phoenix (I know its so Harry Porter but metaphorically speaking it is like that). 

So in the end, what we choose to believe in and strive for comes from inside of us. And the effort, sweat and tears that we put in to achieving our goals comes from the inside too. What we have to cling on is Hope and Faith in Him to give us the strength and belief to keep on fighting for what you hold so dear to.

I am no self proclaimed guru when it comes to having inner strength and keeping our self motivation up. But I know that it is only us that can keep pushing and striving. Its either you want it bad enough or not.. Friends can push you ahead but if you yourself do not have the power to keep on fighting and trying, you would not budge even an inch. To that I would like to say a big thank you to all those that had supported me in my darkest hours and continuously got me to believe that there is a brighter day ahead no matter how hard and tough life gets me down. I hope that my simple post could inspire anyone who in going through a similar situation as mine.

We must and should keep on trying cuz the world is only but at our fingertips. You get what you create, so why not create a life that is full and without regrets. Your life is at your hands, treasure it well..

But then I guess this would have to be my very first depressing post.

I am feeling all those familiar sinking shit in my guts and I hate the way that its all too familiar. Too familiar that its comforting at the same time. I never should have let myself or my hopes fly high. Like that ancient greek story I think. About the father and son who wore wings and flew. Only that the son flew too high and got too close to the sun that the glue on his wings melted and his wings started to fall apart and he fell to his death, with his father just being able to watch helplessly.

Baby, I do not want you to watch me fall to my death helplessly. Which is why I am trying to fight the urge to let myself fall back into the darkness of depression. It was my fault in fact, to start to believe and have hope that I might be pregnant. That when I found out it was negative, it hurt so bad. I just couldn’t stop crying. And I still cant stop, but I am trying hard not to. For you.

You could say that im desperate to have a child. Im desperate to have someone I could call my own, like literally. My own flesh and blood. My whole life, I never knew who my parents really are. Whether they are still alive or not. Whether they had sent me away due to circumstance or whether I am really just unwanted. I never knew where my origins were. My kin. My family. A family I could call my own. That is all I have ever wished for. And to have a child of my own, where his or her origin would come from me, I would feel… completely complete finally. 

I know, things like this shouldn’t be rushed. That if I could have one, I would. It would come naturally. But I am just sensitive that way you know?

Be in my shoes for little while and imagine the loneliness and how it hits you when you realise that it is only you in this vast universe. With nobody you could truly call your own. The feeling sucks. It sucks so bad.. 

I never knew that hoping and falling could be this bad. I never knew that having a wish could hurt so deep. And the painful thing about this hurt is that it would be never ending. And the main reason for that is, simply because we are plain human. Humans who could do nothing but wish and hope that their wishes would come true. And when that wish, that dream, that hope is crushed, all we can do is try to control our emotions and again wish and hope again that the dark thunder storm clouds would pass giving way to sunlight and better days. 

But I know better. 

I know that even after much hoping and wishing and thinking that our wishes and hopes and dreams would never become. That is because there are opposites. For every up there must be downs. For every left there must be right and for every good there is bad.

I do not want to be deemed as senseless. I do not want to plunge myself in too deep before its too late again. 

But I have fallen. And I am falling further.

Imagine free falling into an abyss. An abyss of darkness. Where you are trying to cling onto something to stop the fall but you just could not hold onto anything in the darkness. And then after awhile you just give up trying to find something to hold on to and just wait for the end, wait for the fall. but it never happens and you are just falling and falling, waiting and waiting but nothing happens. 

After that you wake up to find that it was just a dream. A plain, empty, pure meaningless dream. And then you cry and cry like there is no tomorrow but you do not know the reason for your painful tears. 

Again I wish. And I wished that I was stronger than what I am. I wished that I didn’t yearn so bad. I wished that I could truly smile from the inside. But I know that no matter how there is a wound inside that would hurt after it heal and  turn into a scar.

And it’ll be scar, just a scar and nothing more. A reminder of my painful past. A reminder of the emptiness that is waiting for me. Waiting to engulf me at the slightest chance that I give it. And I run away as hard I could, but how do you run away from your own shadow?

How do you get away from your own shadow?

How do you get away from yourself? How do you stop yourself from hurting yourself? How do you control your deepest and most raw emotions when you are causing it yourself?

How do you erase points in time? Points in time that memory itself rejoice in its splendor. Points in time that are in themselves interpreted as memories. I could go on and on speaking like what seems to myself that has no sense nor meaningless. I could go on like a train on steam. And that is what that scares me sometimes, that I would just ramble and stumble not knowing when to stop..